Firstly,
I was ridiculously depressed. I'd had a none-too-pleasant year up to the point
where I stopped writing. My university work was going ok, (apart from some
apprehension about my project and some dreaded group work, hey-ho) but my life
outside study was throwing things at me that my mind couldn't cope with. I
could see that my - at the time - “complete despair” was going to start seeping
even deeper into my already fairly bleak entries and whilst every student blog
is about our own experiences, I didn't want my potential breakdown to happen in
front of a bunch of people I didn't know (every blogger hopes they have at
least one stalwart reader that they don't actually know directly) & to have
it forever be immortalised in text. Somewhere out there will be an archive of
this blog, long in the future, when I've moved on to pastures new. So yeah, no
thanks.
Secondly,
I did "break". Some people don't know it, or if they do, quite how bad it really got or they simply
don't care (I don’t know which). I won't go into details here, like I said, I
don't want to drag you all down with me & I'm not that much of a “sharer”.
Thirdly,
my depression, my workload and my general desire to hide under my duvet (even
during happier days) had me staying indoors an awful lot and at a complete and
utter loss for anything interesting to say. Would you really want to come on
here, every two weeks or so and read a paragraph or two about the number of
words I managed to write towards my project? Although thinking back, I could
have told you all about my really interesting research into new/transitioning
students, but I think it might have only interested me... If the response of my
peers & proofreaders is anything to go by! It also doesn't help when your
flatmate (as wonderful as they are) abruptly stops you, 30 seconds in to you
waxing lyrical about the various issues affecting new students (because you
have finally ventured out of your room), to tell you about the puppies they saw
on their way home. Maybe it's just the way I tell them?
I do
have a couple of other reasons, but they are for me and me alone.
So, all
my work is done - written, re-read and a final draft handed in. I have been
lucky not to have any exams. Woot!
I shall
be sad to leave. I will miss my friends, as I know I won't see them as much as
I do now. I will miss my flatmate - no more Starbucks by the Thames after class
for us (this is how we originally bonded). I will miss my colleagues in the
Enquiry Unit. It took me a while to open up, but in the end, despite giving
away more of myself than I would usually dare, it was worth it.
For a
while, during my darkest moments, I thought I might give in, give up and go
into the dark, but I'm glad I stuck it out. I have finally overcome my past
failure and I am happier than I have ever been (honestly!). Getting a degree
isn't easy. It isn't. But it's worth the hard work - the blood (figurative -
unless you count copious paper cuts), the sweat (running to get that physical
hand-in sorted before the school office closes) and the tears (mostly of joy
that you met the deadline), make it worthwhile - you get out of your degree
what you put in. If you make no effort, never find the library and don't do the
research, you only have yourself to blame. I think the same can be said for
anything - you get out of life what you put in - you are responsible for your
own life - if you muck up your 'A' levels, can you really blame anyone else? If
you forget to respond to your UCAS offers by the deadline, is that the fault of
UCAS? The university that made you the offer? NO! If you want it enough, you
will make the effort to get it. I spent several years expecting things to be
handed to me. I did. A very lovely, but very truthful, recruitment agent
reminded me that no one is going to do that for me. I was going to have to
contribute. I've been working on that. Sometimes I do backslide (we all do...
It's our nature), but I've been striving to stay ahead, be proactive when
things matter (and learning to recognise what doesn’t matter to me and not
beating myself up about not chasing those things) and it does makes difference.
It really does. I've worked damn hard for three years to get a first. I'm
keeping my fingers crossed that I'll get what I want. They (my lecturers) say
it’s possible, so who knows. Well, I guess I will when the results get
published in July (6 more weeks.... *sigh*) but you get my point, right?
Anyway,
off my soapbox about the lethargy, antipathy and lack of responsibility some
applicants seem to have towards their university applications and life in
general. It's not me that's going to regret screwing it up because I didn't try
harder, is it?
Good bye
and good luck dear readers x